Hey there gorgeous,

So this weekend I went to Hillsong Colour Conference. If you’ve been reading my blogs of late you’d probably guess that I really needed to get out of my funk.

I’ve had a year of refining.

Not anything earth shattering bad. Just uncomfortable change. You know like that time you tried to fit into those skinny jeans. You know it’ll look good once you’ve peeled them on but getting them on is half the battle. I’ve been digesting the wrong foods and it’s been fattening me up in some ways. You know, you kinda beat yourself up about what a loser you are because you had a role taken away from you or some change occurred and this just made you feel uncomfortable. Squeezed in. Tight. Constricted. Yuk.

So I managed to get a last minute ticket to the conference and a $1000+ later I was ready to go. (Dang leaving things until the last minute and having to buy flights, accommodation and a hire car cause you couldn’t get accommodation closer).

On the opening night I still found it hard to sing during the worship time. I felt empty, hurt and a bit like ‘What the heck am I even doing here?”

I leaned in to hear the word.

I started to fill up my dry well.

The next day the beautiful Holly Wagner, pastor of Oasis Church in Los Angeles spoke.

Beautiful words that felt like they were just for me.

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I sat there at the wooden desk, shoulders slumped, tired eyes drooping and stubby crayons on hand. The counselor sat to my left, asking me to fill out the timeline of events to do with my ex and his disappearances.

Hurriedly, I picked up the crayons and scrawled a brain (which very much looked like a cauliflower). Above the brain, I drew a hand trying to pluck question marks over the brain.

“What’s going on here?” she curiously asked.

“It’s me trying to retrieve stuff from that time out of my brain, but I just can’t get the memories out. It’s just so foggy.”

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Invisible. Unseen.

It can feel that way sometimes can’t it?

I’ve been blogging for over 2 years now and regularly posting and yet when I look around me there seems to be others who started after me streaming ahead.

I get frustrated. I wonder if whether it’s all worth it: investing money without any returns and time out of my day writing and planning.

In between my 2 days of teaching work, watching an 11 month old, being wife, friend to others and a coach I find pockets of time to sleep and catch up on chores.

It’s exhausting.

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You open your diary and what do you see?  A full, bursting out of the seams calendar full of events and appointments. You’ve got your mum’s 60^th, a friend’s hen’s night and that all important half leg wax (you know because all that time you thought you had a loose thread on your skirt but it ummm wasn’t that at all).

You sigh as you take 2 Panadeine Forte tablets. You’re in pain and soooo dog gone tired. Just thinking about going to those events was enough to give you that hammer in the head throbbing headache.

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I’ve got nothing to give right now. The past week I’ve had a cold and gastro I also returned back to my teaching job 2 days a week all while still making sure this website gets a bit of love.

It’s hard juggling it all isn’t it? You already go to work with an empty cup. Your eyes are burning with tiredness; your head is throbbing and feels like someone is beating a drum back there.

You get to your desk and look at your ever expanding to do list. Your inbox is full to the brim with requests from the boss, bills to pay and the odd self-help newsletter.

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Christmas 2003. Oh, I remember it well. It was the first time my (now ex ) husband disappeared. He’d been acting weird that morning. Told me he loved me and looked into my eyes that little bit longer (not in a longing way, but a foreboding way). Even now as I retell the story, it is so obvious things in my marriage were not right.

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Love and light, meditation and green juice. I’ve read it all and done it all.

And there’s a good chance you have too.

As I start heading closer to my mid 30’s I find I’m getting more miffed at all of the self-help fluff that comes into my inbox.

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They say that in business (as in life), you go through seasons. The first year of business you head in all bright eyed, fresh ideas overflowing and nothing can stop you. You ooze enthusiasm like that Nutella filled donut. Business looks so appealing on the outside and tastes so good once you bite into it.

But what happens when you’ve had too many Nutella filled donuts? You’ve taken on so many that you feel sick to your stomach. You can no longer fit that dress and now you’re super frustrated.

Yeah, that’s me.

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(Just a normal formal photo with the baby sis and her three boys. My Flynn being mischievous. Have no idea where he gets it from?)

I’m breaking the rules. It’s tiring playing to formulas and strategies. I’m supposed to be on blogging break. A time out for me to refresh and get grounded back into what this space means for me.

I feel like I have forgotten what this space really means to me.

So here I am breaking my blogging break to blog to you (yep, that’s a mouthful).

Why?

Because my words are just flowing freely and I honour that pouring out of my spirit. I have this freshness that is waiting to burst forth and just share with you.

And I’m doing it without feeling the need to have my post done because it’s a Tuesday and that’s just what I do.

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I’d wanted this gift for a long time. I prayed and cried over the fact I could not have it when I wanted it. I saw other people receive this gift. I questioned God “Why do they get this beautiful gift and not me?” I sulked away.

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