As I sit here typing this on my day off from school, hacking up half a lung and not being able to sleep because the tickles on my chest are that of the not so good kind (*cheeky wink*), I get up from the couch, dust the tissues to one side and sit up at my computer to type to you.
Got to love the little toddler child for bringing home a cold from a recent birthday party.
I had a hunch that when the other child squeezed him tight and then coughed directly in his face that this was all going to go down badly in the Braybrooke household.
And a plague has been on our household since last Sunday.
As a mind detox practitioner I am fully aware that our thoughts can affect our health and it is no surprises really why I was getting sick.
If you’ve been reading my blog posts or watched my Facebook Lives of late you will have noticed I have been boldly sharing my story.
The story about my missing ex-husband and how he disappeared for months on end when I was 21 and how that threw me into a spiral of depression and anxiety, a pit that was so dark and scary, I couldn’t see the bottom of it and if I were to look up and out there seemed little light was beaming in as well.
Anyways, after a few years of his David Copperfield (but oh so not as funny) disappearing act, I gave him a dose of tough love and told him he needed to get significant help or don’t come back.
He never did.
I had to go to the courts to sort out the divorce, which as you can imagine, is an incredibly difficult thing to do when your other half decides to go missing.
The courts granted it and I was free to move on.
And then social media happened and he contacted me.
Tried an attempt at an apology but kept using his mental health situation as an excuse instead of purely just saying ‘I’m sorry.’
And to end off the email told me he was oh so very in love with his new partner and having a baby.
Woo hoo. Get out the party poppers right *insert sarcasm*
The thing is though, I get it now.
Hurt people, hurt people.
I was hurting and didn’t want to give any more power away so I didn’t respond.
But recently, I had a sneaky look at his Facebook profile, just to see if he had aged ungracefully and I also wanted to see whether I was hotter than his current partner still (ok, judge away, I obviously still have some work to do).
There he was and he had now married her.
And I felt sick.
I always felt like I had the upper hand, after all I had remarried a lovely man of honour 9 years ago and am happily bliss with my own toddler.
The emotions came up like that one time I had a big night out at a hockey awards’ night.
They bubbled over and they weren’t pretty. (Oh and if any of my Redcliffe Hockey buddies are reading this and laughing at my attempts to get into Karaoke downstairs before tripping downstairs in my long dress, you missed out on my singing gold! I had some Tom Jones songs ready to sing. And to Dave, my lovely husband, for spewing on your front lawn, #sorry).
I was feeling so angry.
And I spoke about it on the Facebook Live and received another email.
Which evoked more anger.
Another attempt at an apology with another deflection.
Why can’t you just say ‘Sorry!’
Then I got sick. Congested. I lost hearing in my ear.
I started to evaluate my thoughts and how they may have lead me to this point.
You see we operate from our subconscious mind 95% of the time! The other part, the conscious mind is the last 5%. Our subconscious mind is the part of our brain that stores our emotions, memories and it runs our body. The conscious mind makes decisions, thinks, analyses and uses will power.
Dr Lipton, a past professor at Stanford University acknowledges that our subconscious mind is like a computer. We load it up with a database of behaviours before the age of 6 and it works automatically and without the knowledge or control of the unconscious mind! That is why when you experience anxiety it can be confusing, especially if you feel like you have nothing to be anxious about. You’re operating automatically using the data base of behaviours you learnt between the ages of 0-6.
And anxiety at the end of the day is just trying to keep you safe.
I was trying to keep myself safe.
And there’s a good chance if you’re reading this, your anxiety is trying to keep you safe.
If you shut off your heart and bury your vulnerability then perhaps you won’t get hurt.
If you stay in the job you dislike then you won’t have to feel afraid.
If you comfort eat then perhaps people won’t find you attractive and then you won’t feel unloved.
You and I get stuck in the past, because we get caught up in the story about what has happened to us which then leads to resistance.
(Hunger games style too. Running and hiding and trying to get out of it).
I was causing stress in my body by holding onto that past story of ‘I am unloved’ and ‘I feel unseen.’
I asked myself this one question to help me unlock it:
‘What can you now know had you known it in the past you would never have felt ‘unloved and unseen?’
“It wasn’t my fault.”
“He had his own mental health concerns going on.”
“I am loved.”
“I am seen.”
With tears trickling down my face as I installed the new knowing back into my body (something I can show you how to do through coaching), I closed my journal having known that it was a good thing to welcome the ‘good’ and ‘bad emotions’ to be present and to co-exist. After all, shoving it down was what was causing the cold symptoms.
I started to breathe better.
As I write this with still a cough in tow, I know I will be continuing to unravel the areas in my life where I am resisting to see where it is I am still holding on.
If you are an experiencing anxiety and your health has taken a beating sit down and ask yourself a few questions:
Where in your life are you currently resisting? (It could be money, environment, relationship, career, or health).
What don’t you want?
What are you pushing away?
What do you want to get rid of and out of your life for good?
By acknowledging these questions you are making one step to no longer unthinkingly being a victim to them!
I’d love to hear from you. If you’d love help learning how to process your resistance so you can experience more clear decision making processes and less anxiety hit reply. I’d love to hear from you. I only take on 4 coaching clients a month and I have 3 spaces left starting in March. I’d love to help.
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