Sometimes all you can do is cry.
Like big ugly, rub all the snot on your grey cardigan kinda cry. (Cause grey oversized cardis with pockets are my jam at the moment).
I mean, you’ve tried negotiating…
Perhaps you’ve even yelled…
At your kid to just go the heck to sleep.
Ok, perfect parenting police.
Most of the time my 2 year old is pretty good but every now and again he’ll store up all of his energy like a mother flipping thunderstorm and then wreak havoc all over my well organised and structured day.
Cyclone Flynn, leaving his trail of biscuits and juice all over the floor.
Having my 2 hour break in the middle of the day while he naps is when I get to recharge after all.
It’s when I start feeling human again after having sung ‘5 little monkeys jumping on the bed’ over and over in the car all morning because our car radio isn’t working. So when the little darling has decided not to sleep, it just throws me into chaos.
Anxiety has a way of not liking the unknown after all.
It plots and plans to make sure everything is in its right place to ensure that you get the results you want.
There’s safety after all in knowing how to preserve your energy and avoid meltdowns.
Today was one of those days where I went into meltdown.
The toddler child would not sleep. I told him firmly to ‘go to sleep’ and sat on the floor in my kitchen while I heaved those ugly tears.
It felt good to cry.
What was it all about though?
You see as an introvert I need my down time to recharge. When we were deciding what to do after my maternity leave ran out, my husband and I decided on 2 days a week of teaching and Flynn would be babysat by Dave’s parents. We’ve decided to avoid day care until he is at least 3 as boys can really benefit from staying home a bit longer (but no judgement here sweet mama if you’ve had to put your child into day care. I’m a huge advocate of you doing what you feel is best for your child). So that decision means he is with me from the Wednesday onwards, which as you can imagine saps this poor mama right here.
Plus, I have big hearted dreams. I want to see ladies just like you, with anxiety, kick it to the curb so that you can say ‘yes’ more to life.
// ‘Yes’ to getting that product up on Etsy that is Bohemian and floaty. You always get complimented on those skirts you make!
// ‘Yes’ to going on a plane to your island holiday. No more being scared to fly.
// ‘Yes’ to leaving that soul-sucking job so that you can focus on your health.
// ‘Yes’ to being able to attend that event without fear of being a social pariah because of your fast talk and awkie convo.
And I want to be able to make change, but I have to do it in the 2 hr nap window.
Which I have been missing out on because it appears Flynn is being a jerk , unable to fall to sleep.
Now I get it. I’ve had it pretty good. My kid slept through the night from 9 weeks old until he was 1 and then would only sporadically get up perhaps once a night after that.
I know the mums out there with the constant early risers are probably eye rolling me right now.
So what did I do?
Well I got him out of his crib, that’s a start. I made myself a cup of herbal tea (because I did not need any other stimulant to set me off right?)
And I let him play independently on his own while I stared randomly at thin air and sipped my herbal tea to give myself a sense of calm.
I let my thoughts wonder to my ‘Mind Detox’ studies and thought about how I’m probably scarring my child for life because I’m currently ignoring him.
I cried some more.
And even though I wanted to get out of my funk I couldn’t.
That’s the thing I wanted to share today lovely one.
Yes, you reading this.
Sometimes, it is just perfectly ok to cry, think the random thoughts and to stare out into the distance.
Because how many times do we even allow ourselves to have a good cry?
The cry felt therapeutic for me.
I sent my husband a message saying FML he won’t sleep (yeah, yeah, #notaperfectchristian).
He said ‘he would come home straight after work and take Flynn away overnight so that I could get some rest.’
Dave took Flynn out, I ate left over Shepherd’s Pie and watched the documentary about ‘The War On Waste’ and mentally taking notes about making sure we get a compost bin for the new house we’re building, (which ironically, I’m guessing, the builders aren’t going to not use recycled products but hey, one thing at a time honey).
Cause anxiety sometimes just needs to be expressed.
It just wants to be felt and acknowledged.
To unpack all the layers to find out what is happening at the root cause.
//The me that is craving to wear a pair of clothes without having smooshed banana all over it (did you read about banana gate on my Instagram?)
// The me that wants to make a difference in the world.
// The me that would prefer to read the Bible in silence, without ‘The Wiggles’ singing the ‘Propeller’ song.
// The me that just wants to sleep all the way through the night without having to even wake once. Not even once for the toilet!
It’s ok dear one to be upset. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to want more for your life.
You have permission to not have to do anything with it at all today but to just experience the ugly cry.
//To experience, the frustration that is smooshed banana all over your clothes.
//To be mad that you can’t do all the things you want to do.
But don’t live there.
Do what my 2 year old did.
Flynn climbed up on my lap, put his arms around my neck and said ‘I love you mummy’ and pulled me in for the biggest hug. (Cue the tears even more!)
When was the last time you looked yourself in your eyes and said ‘I love you.’ Like really?
When did you last say to yourself ‘I’m sorry you haven’t felt heard for a while. I’m sorry that I haven’t valued you the way I should have. It’s not personal. I love you.’
Today, experience the feelings and embrace the inner child in you that wants to know that you are loved and are doing well.
Soothe her. Comfort her.
There’s power in the unmistakable touch of grace.
You have a God who loves you. Who wants to give you a massive embrace and to tell you he ‘loves you.’ Psalms 56:8 even says ‘You keep track of all of my sorrows. You have collected all of my tears in a bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.’
You are deeply loved and known.
Give yourself that gift today.
You’ve got this!
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