I love a good counselling session. It feels good to talk and unravel stuff I’ve tucked back into the recesses of my mind.
As I untangle those knotted cords of confusion and low self-esteem, I find new ways of doing and being.
This session in particular I came armed with wanting to work on one anxiety trigger in particular.
The “I’m in trouble” trigger.
You know the one I’m talking about. You noticed that you have a missed call from your boss and you go into automatic “Wahhhh oh my gosh I’m in trouble mode.” Or someone has resting bitch face on and you ask them “Is everything ok? Did I do something wrong?” Or perhaps you’ve been asked to present at a meeting and you do so because heck yeah for an opportunity to show off your PowerPoint mad as skills…
Yet, afterwards you’re waaaaaay overanalysing it all.
My counsellor was tough on me this time.
You see, time after time, I come in frustrated about my mindless scrolling through social media and then giving her my backstory about why I do it.
You know, I had to survive and all. I had to push past the pain of my missing ex. I had to avoid and numb the pain.
My counsellor said to me “Diana, I know your story and I know that must have been tough, but at what stage, do you need to make a conscious choice to not scroll through social media?”
“Because it’s uncomfortable! If I sit and I have to deal with my feelings, it just doesn’t feel good!” I snap out. ‘Plus I’m a 7 on the enneagram and we don’t like pain.’ (Here’s some info here about the 7 typed personality).
“Well” my counsellor replied “You can keep making excuses then and not deal with it and keep justifying how much better you are doing OR you can do something about it.”
So I did something about it.
My husband and our little boy went away for the weekend so I could have some to introvert. While the boys were away, I automatically went into scrolling mode. For down time of course.
(I bet you’ve done it too, does that person like my Instagram picture? Has that person sent me an email yet? Why hasn’t that person responded to my text yet? Plus, you’re tired anyways, what else can you do when you’re tired?)
I snapped the iPad cover shut and put it away.
I put on some meditation music (Sonesence Music actually – did you know that it stimulates relaxed neural activity when you use headphones. If you’re not sure what I mean by ‘relaxed neural activity’ it simply means a way that helps your brain feel more peaceful and connected).
I put my legs up on the wall (in yoga it’s called Viparita Karani) because I know every single time I do this in yoga I feel bliss. This particular move does this by putting your body into rest and digest. In other words helps you to feel a calm state of mind.
And I wait for some miraculous feeling….
I feel nothing…
I sit with the stillness…
I listen in to the beauty of the music…
And I start to cry…
I remind myself of an activity my coach taught me about having compassion for myself and start the process.
I tell myself the following:
//I’m sorry that you felt like you had to busy your life when your ex left.
//I’m sorry that he made you feel unseen and unheard.
// I’m sorry that you’re not used to sitting and just being, it must feel frustrating for you.
// I’m sorry that you have spent so long covering up your feelings by scrolling social media
// I’m sorry that you’ve been so sick this past year and you feel like you’ve missed out on doing all the things you love doing.
// I’m sorry that you’re sooooo tired.
// I love you.
In that instance I feel soothed. I get up and a more upbeat meditation comes on and I start shaking my hips and dancing. I lift my hands in praise.
I feel free.
I feel loved.
I feel bliss.
And you dear one have been searching for answers for soooo long.
You scroll but you don’t find the answers there.
Ohhh but you look there for validation don’t you… ‘Do you see me? Am I beautiful? Am I worthy? Do I have mad skills?’
But with each scroll and each swipe you leak your energy.
The pain is still there.
You scroll to cover up the pain, even if as you’re doing it, you’re not calling it that.
It’s become habit. Your brain is, after all, trying to protect you. It loves you after all.
Like you, I was looking for a tool, a way to get over this scrolling behaviour, but what I found was I had to finally make a conscious decision to choose life, or to choose virtual life.
I choose life.
I choose life abundant.
Jesus even promised that ‘I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.’ (John 10:10).
God has a massive dream for you. He has designed you in all of your beauty.
//Perhaps it’s time to say ‘sorry’ to yourself for being so unloving towards you.
//Perhaps it’s realising you are made for more than just a few scrolls of an iPad screen.
//Perhaps it’s time to put your legs up on the wall, deep breathe, and just let the tears roll down your face.
//Perhaps it’s time to stop doing ALL.THE.THINGS and to just delight in the present moment. To eat cake for breakfast and to have a bath in the morning just because it feels nice to do so (even if it screws up routine).
Quit making excuses.
And start to make peace with yourself.
You are so worth it!
Where do you need to have more compassion for yourself? Tell me below. If you loved the post please share by using the buttons below. If you feel like you need someone to hold you accountable for the excuses you make but want someone who will guide you with love and care get on a call with me: firstname.lastname@example.org.