This week has been a mix of emotions.
First it started with finding a lump in my right breast. After asking my husband to have a feel (didn’t take much coercing) he says ‘actually there really is a lump there Di.’
So I book myself into the doctors.
In the mean time I poke and prod at it throughout the night, making it more sore as time passes.
I planned out how I’d create little A4 folders with notes in them for my friends and family if I ended up having cancer.
I start contemplating life. What if all this striving is all for nothing? I’d never regret the time spent with family and friends but all this push, work and worry. What then?
I have all the scans done.
I mood eat all afternoon (scones and jam for lunch – yep – good tucker right there).
Then the results come back.
It’s a cyst.
I feel relief wash over me. But I still don’t want to take my life for granted.
Two days later I get a text from one of my besties saying ‘Have you seen the news? Dad died yesterday.’
‘My dad died in the glider accident. It’s all over the news.’
I call my husband Dave and cry.
I then feel compelled to call my friend.
Tears just flow and flow more.
It doesn’t make sense.
Life doesn’t make sense some time.
I’m sure you know what I mean.
You’ve been diagnosed with a health challenge. You feel overwhelmed with the doctors’ charts and medical jargon. You wonder if you’ll even get through to see your kids grow up?
Or perhaps you’ve experienced a sudden death. It doesn’t make sense, even with the answers all there.
Maybe your partner has left you.
Or you’ve been accused of something you didn’t do. (Like that one time a ‘friend’s’ mum accused me of taking a gold necklace when I was in high school. My dad runs into her a week later in the shop asks if she’s found it and says ‘Oh sorry. Yes. I found it behind my bureau.’) #yousuckbutiforgiveyou
I don’t have any answers for you.
I simply want to say ‘I’m sorry.’
I’m sorry that you have had to go through that. I’m sorry that you are going through that.
I want you to know that asking ‘why’ is the very nature of faith.
It doesn’t make you less of a person if you feel angry.
It makes you human.
A beautiful one. With innate wisdom.
If only you would see it.
If only you would stop long enough to hear it shouting its love for you.
If only you’d see the majesty that is your own self.
Will you lean in?
Lean in to the mess, in all of its beauty.
See it without needing to change anything.
You’ve got this.
*P.S To my beautiful friend in the blog post picture. (And her sister who is not in this shot). I grieve with you and I honour the life of your beautiful dad. He will be missed.
*P.P.S if you loved the post please share if you feel it will help someone else going through a hard time.