I’d wanted this gift for a long time. I prayed and cried over the fact I could not have it when I wanted it. I saw other people receive this gift. I questioned God “Why do they get this beautiful gift and not me?” I sulked away.
Month: December 2015
I’ll never forget those few words the counsellor said a month ago “Do you have such low self esteem that you are willing to give your power away?”
“I don’t have low self-esteem.” I muttered. “I coach women on that. I mean…maybe a little low self esteem…but I’d say it was just a little amount.” I stumbled over my words.
“Oh but you do. You nod your head a lot and I haven’t even finished my question. You want me to so desperately like you. You’re nodding your head in agreement without realising.” She continued.
“You’re also guarding your heart. You’re holding something back.”
When did we become conduits of putting someone’s problems down or ‘pftting’ them away? You and I have done it haven’t we? Or at the very least you’ve certainly heard someone do it. You know you hear someone’s problems and you think ‘pfft that’s nothing. What’s wrong with you? That’s a first world problem.’
Or you’ve been on the receiving end of the comment. You’ve bared your soul. Opened your heart up and given the person the gift of letting them in, to have them rip up the wrapping paper and scoff at the gift. They haven’t appreciated that it took effort for you to let them in. That you’d covered up your feelings with the emotional wrapping paper to protect yourself and now you just feel vulnerable and unappreciated.
Yep. Been there.
So it’s not long until Christmas is here and then another year has rolled by. I am starting to get a little anxious about going back to my teaching work 2 days a week since I’ve been on maternity leave since February this year.
Some of this anxiety surrounds ‘will I be able to remember how to teach after all this time off’, not going back to teach my fav subject Ancient History because for the first time in 7 years, while I was on leave, no students decided to sign up (oh hello mean girl!), not to mention leaving Flynn for 2 days while also wanting the time to nurture my other creative talents in what I do here with coaching. (more…)