What sort of blog post refers to warts in their subject title?  Weird people like me.

You see. I hear you beautiful ladies at the moment.  You’re going through some tough times.

And it hurts.

You wonder if there really is any purpose in the lesson, the grieving, the crisis. You wonder if it’s going to get easier.  It’s dark.  You can’t see beyond what is right in front of you. It feels like your heart is racing all the time.  The enormity of the circumstance is just too much.

Today lovely ladies I want you to know. I see you and I’ve been there. I wanted to do something a little different for you this week.  Share a personal poem which I wrote in the darkest of nights.  I could see what I thought was my future ahead of me. But it didn’t look great.  I just wanted to be vulnerable with you all today. Share a little of my heart and hopefully it will touch you in some way.

One Day My Heart Will Heal

In the stillness of the night,
I come to you.
Offering my life to be renewed.
I know you are real,
But yet I can’t find…
Your presence is what I long for.

I run and run, but I fail you,
I pretend that I’m OK.
But secretly I am drowning,
In the knowledge I keep failing.
Failing life, love, friends,
“You have not failed my child” He says
“It is in this you Win. You are trying.Hold Fast.”

But my “why’s” continue to go unanswered.
“I tried to Lord but it’s so hard,”
I crave love but I don’t feel lovely.

When will you return?
When will I be free?
Can’t you see?
A little girl longing for a smile
And the affirmation she is doing well.

All my life I’ve felt I’ve had an expectation over my life.
Have I failed? I feel that way.
But when can I smile again?
When can my heart feel your presence and praise you?
I want to but I fall short.

One day my heart will heal,
And the scar will serve a higher purpose,
Until then there’s always hope.
And hope is what keeps me alive.

You Can Do It!

The Butterfly House was set up to encourage you.  I want you to know that whatever you are going through there are other women here who feel the same as you do.  When the world doesn’t make sense it’s so overwhelming.

Here are a few things you can do to process some of the pain:

+ Seek out the help of a professional.  Find out if there is anything physiologically going on.  Depression and anxiety can be debilitating. I’ve been there.  I felt like a million bucks once I had a diagnosis.  At first it felt weird.  Part of me felt like I had gone ‘crazy.’  But I assure you dear heart. You are not ‘crazy.’  Also talking it out with a professional did wonders for me.  It’s easy to keep it buried deep inside but know that sharing information with someone you trust can lead to so much beauty and inner growth.  Doesn’t feel like it now. But it will in time.

+ Be kind to yourself.  Listen to what your body is saying.  Do you need to sleep? Do it. Do you need to go for a walk in the fresh air?  Do you need to soak in the bath tub with beautiful aromatherapy oils scenting the air with its beauty?  Do you just need to eat the DAMN cake!  DO IT!  Recognise how you are feeling. Listen. Honour your intuition.

+ Journal/Pray/Meditate.  I see what you are doing. Running. Filling your days with ‘busyness’ to ignore the pain.  Feel your feelings.  Journal and write down your stream of consciousness. As the words flow, let the tears flow if needed.  Get honest with God. Get angry if you need to. He can take it. Be still.  It’s sucky. I get it. But avoiding the issue is making it worse.  Create space in your day to let your monkey mind chatter quieten.

+ Wait.  The storm will pass. It just sucks right now in the midst of it.  My favourite verse that really sustained me through my trials were in Psalms 27.  In particular I love verses 13-14:

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living.

Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart,

And wait for the Lord.

Goodness is coming for you. I can’t wait to hear of the glorious things that happen as a result of your life journeys.

I know it’s personal but if you would love to share something you’ve learnt in the darkness please let the tribe know in the comments below.  You just might help someone.  What did you do to get through? What sustained you?  If you liked this post please use the buttons below to share.