I’d wanted this gift for a long time. I prayed and cried over the fact I could not have it when I wanted it. I saw other people receive this gift. I questioned God “Why do they get this beautiful gift and not me?” I sulked away.
I’ll never forget those few words the counsellor said a month ago “Do you have such low self esteem that you are willing to give your power away?”
“I don’t have low self-esteem.” I muttered. “I coach women on that. I mean…maybe a little low self esteem…but I’d say it was just a little amount.” I stumbled over my words.
“Oh but you do. You nod your head a lot and I haven’t even finished my question. You want me to so desperately like you. You’re nodding your head in agreement without realising.” She continued.
“You’re also guarding your heart. You’re holding something back.”
When did we become conduits of putting someone’s problems down or ‘pftting’ them away? You and I have done it haven’t we? Or at the very least you’ve certainly heard someone do it. You know you hear someone’s problems and you think ‘pfft that’s nothing. What’s wrong with you? That’s a first world problem.’
Or you’ve been on the receiving end of the comment. You’ve bared your soul. Opened your heart up and given the person the gift of letting them in, to have them rip up the wrapping paper and scoff at the gift. They haven’t appreciated that it took effort for you to let them in. That you’d covered up your feelings with the emotional wrapping paper to protect yourself and now you just feel vulnerable and unappreciated.
Yep. Been there.
So it’s not long until Christmas is here and then another year has rolled by. I am starting to get a little anxious about going back to my teaching work 2 days a week since I’ve been on maternity leave since February this year.
Some of this anxiety surrounds ‘will I be able to remember how to teach after all this time off’, not going back to teach my fav subject Ancient History because for the first time in 7 years, while I was on leave, no students decided to sign up (oh hello mean girl!), not to mention leaving Flynn for 2 days while also wanting the time to nurture my other creative talents in what I do here with coaching. (more…)
This week I saw another group of year 12 students graduate. As I sat at the back of the auditorium my mind was cast back in time to my own graduation. It was 1998 and I was rocking a baby blue medieval formal dress. (You know, cause my fav subject at school was Ancient History and I wanted to totally tap into that princess vibe, despite the fact I had braces on my teeth. I digress). I’d already been accepted to study High School teaching at uni and I was super excited about making a difference in young people’s lives.
I knew what I wanted to do. In fact I felt called to do it.
Now here I am in another season in my life with a new calling to help women live out their raddest (yes I’m a child of the 80’s), lives.
So if you’ve been around my digs for a bit or you’ve been reading my newsletter you would have found that lately I have been unwell. Over the past two months I’ve caught 3 colds and 1 bout of food poisoning plus the current bug I’ve got now (not entirely sure what is wrong yet but tests have taken place).
I’ve been feeling exhausted, nauseous, dizzy and shaky (and noooo I’m not pregnant before you ask me).
What I do know is that it has made me start to take note. When our bodies get a little out of whack it can be a sign of the emotional. Sure, germs are out there and of course they contribute but I notice when I start ignoring my feelings in their entirety it shows up in my gut. Plus I had lost my appetite completely. I had noticed a few other signs too and then a lightbulb went off in my head.
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You’ve opened your Facebook messenger + what do you see? Another email from a friend inviting you out.
You close the email.
You want to go but you don’t.
Your anxiety gets the better of you.
She’s a bit of a cow like that you know (the anxiety not your friend).
She keeps you from having a social life. She is always whispering in your ear ‘They don’t really like you,’ ‘You don’t have anything interesting to say,’ and ‘If you don’t reply eventually they’ll stop asking and emailing to ask you to go out.’
And you’re right. They do. (more…)
You’re sitting on the couch scrolling through social media. AGAIN.
It’s got a tough grip on you like a crocodile has its prey. It keeps rolling you about, taking you under the water, with glimpses of the beautiful blue sky above.
It’s DROWNING you.
You don’t want to be HELD CAPTIVE to the power of technology so you close your iPad off and head into the bathroom.
When I lost my role as Elder at the most recent church meeting, I didn’t realize then that it would lead me down the path of spiritual dryness. I guess I just assumed that I would be voted back in (I had been involved in church ministry for nine years, two of which were on eldership).